Die spanning tussen performatiwiteit en meelewing binne die onderwys : 'n outo-etnografiese reis

Van Der Merwe, Marietjie (2013-12)

Thesis (MEd)-- Stellenbosch University, 2013.

Thesis

ENGLISH ABSTRACT: The research is about my story as a learning-support teacher and includes the identity growth that I experienced between the period from January 2001 until December 2012. My approach of acceptance and compassion, within the atmosphere of performativity, leads to my writing process and becomes my auto-ethnographic journey. The writing process brings about change, to experience the performative as an action of ‘doing’ (in Giroux 2000:135) and a way of being within day-to-day situations (in Denzin 2004:273). By recording my experiences within changing spaces, I hope to make a contribution to academic literature, by drawing the reader into my experiences of the forming of my identity and the explication of the writing process as a journey. Writing my introduction to this research at the end of this process, I realise that this research has not only changed my story, but also myself as a person. I struggled to bring the story to a close. This is because I have realised that my story is still changing every day. I am becoming a performative ethonographer (Denzin 2004:262) and I see concrete situations and engage in a conversation with them. And through this writing experience I have registered an enrichment in my experience. My research does not make use of questionnaires or interviews. It is action-research, experienced in everyday things. My story with remembrances was already there before the research, though never told. Ball (1996) refers to this process as identification. This is the process through which I have gone to be seen, as well as the process through which one goes to see oneself, to a specific identity (quoted by Thompson 2004:45). My story begins with questions and reflections about my being different as a white woman, within my context of the two so-called ‘Coloured Schools’. Am I carrying a white scar? (Cixous 1998). I have experienced the writing process as a way of coming into knowledge. My research leads to questions, though not necessarily to answers. The writing process leads to my looking through a different lens of gaining a better understanding. Peace. And hope. I am learning – have learnt – that hope is an ontological necessity. There is a necessity to dream, to change, and to better the lives of others (Freire 1998:8 in Denzin 2003:263). My research develops rhizomatically (Honan: 2006; Richardson & Pierre 2005, quoted in Richards 2012:3). It is written in fragments of daily action. It is written in the knowledge of the impossibility of relaying experience as it is or was. As a teller of a story, I emphasise that I do not posit my characters as objects. Rather, they are presented in this research in a relationship of trust, existing between myself and them for a period stretching beyond twelve years. Meaning cannot always be relayed in words. Suggestions of meaning can lie in the relationship between texts (Parsons 2002:32 in Le Roux 2012:xi4).

AFRIKAANSE OPSOMMING: Die navorsing behels my storie as leerondersteuner-onderwyser en omvat my identiteitswording vanaf Januarie 2001 tot Desember 2012. My benadering van aanvaarding en meelewing binne die atmosfeer van performatiwiteit, lei tot my skryfproses en word my outo-etnografiese reis. Die skryfproses bring verandering, om die performatiewe te beleef as ‘n aksie van doen (Giroux 2000a:135) en ‘n manier van wees, binne dag-tot-dag-situasies (in Denzin 2004:273). Deur die opteken van my ervaring binne wisselende ruimtes hoop ek om ‘n akademiese bydrae te lewer, wat die leser intrek binne belewing van my identiteitsvorming en ontvouing van die skryfproses as reis. Ek skryf my inleiding aan die einde en besef die navorsing het my storie sowel as myself verander. Ek sukkel om die slot te skryf. En besef: dis oor my storie elke dag aangaan. Ek word ‘n performatiewe etnograaf (Denzin 2004:262) en sien konkrete situasies en tree toe tot gesprek. Ek beleef verdieping van my bewussyn deur die skryfproses. My navorsing behels nie vraelyste en onderhoude nie en is aksie-navorsing, geleef in elke dag se dinge. My storie met herinnerings was daar voor die navorsing maar dis nooit vertel nie. Ball (1996) verwys na hierdie proses as identifikasie. Die proses waardeur ek gaan om gesien te word, sowel as die proses om myself te sien, lei tot ‘n spesifieke identiteit (aangehaal deur Thompson 2004:45). My storie begin oor my wonder en peins oor anderswees as wit vrou binne my konteks van twee bruin skole. Dra ek die wit scar ?(Cixous 1998). Ek ervaar die skryfproses as manier om tot kennis te kom. My navorsing lei tot vrae. En nie noodwendig tot antwoorde nie. Die skryfproses lei tot ‘n kyk deur ‘n ander lens, ‘n beter verstaan. Vrede. En Hoop. En ek leer hoop is ‘n ontologiese behoefte. Die begeerte om te droom, te verander en menselewens te verbeter (Freire 1999:8 in Denzin 2003:263). My navorsing ontwikkel rhizomaties (Honan 2006; Richardson & St. Pierre 2005 aangehaal deur Richards 2012:3), geskryf in fragmente van daaglikse aksie, vertel binne die besef hoe onmoontlik dit is om ervaring weer te gee (Pretorius 2008:73). As verteller beklemtoon ek dat ek nie my karakters as objekte voorstel nie, maar dat ek skryf binne ‘n etiese vertrouensverhouding wat oor twaalf jaar strek. Betekenis kan nie altyd in woorde weergegee word nie. Suggestie van betekenis kan lȇ in verhoudings tussen tekste (Parsons 2002:32 in Le Roux 2010:xi4).

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